Last Wednesday looked at the “Bummer’ that is conflict. As discussed, a big part of how we experience conflict is how we see it. Seeing conflict Toe-to-Toe typically sets us up for a challenging, difficult experience.
Let’s examine how we can Frame conflict differently and, as a result, practice conflict resolution Heart-to-Heart.
When we SEE conflict Heart-to-Heart we see a Win-Win opportunity, something mutually beneficial to both parties, a partnership, and are reminded that the relationship is more valued than the issue (the “thing” is still valued, but not at the expense of the other person and the relationship).
When we SEE conflict Heart-to-Heart, what are the FEELings we usually have? Hopeful, Open, Willing, Optimistic, Cooperative, Excited, Creative, Calm, and so on.
What do we DO when we engage in conflict Heart-to-Heart? Listen, Contribute ideas, Lead with curiosity, Respect all involved, Ask Questions, Encourage, Communicate desire to find mutually Beneficial Solutions, and so on.
What do typically GET from Heart-to-Heart conflict experiences? Satisfactory Resolution, Greater Trust, Stronger Relationships, Respect, and so on.
Practicing Heart-to-Heart does not assure that we will always get the results we desire. However, it does result in two valuable outcomes. First, when we practice Heart-to-Heart, we maintain our self-respect. We cannot control other people, but we can act in ways consistent with our own values. A second outcome of Heart-to-Heart is how it affects the next time. It’s likely that we will have future conflicts with this same person. If we have handled a previous situation with this person in a Toe-to-Toe fashion, it is unlikely that we will have a mutually beneficial resolution the next time. However, the trust, respect, and cooperation that are communicated when we practice Heart-to-Heart set a positive foundation for a highly successful experience next time.
Partners, Not Adversaries
Another major impact in a conflict situation is, as the illustration suggests, when we think of the problem, we can easily think of the other person as being the problem. After all, if it weren’t for this person and what he wants, we wouldn’t have a problem.
Folks will be more effective in resolving conflict if they view the other person as a partner with whom they are working to discover what is mutually beneficial. Rather than facing each other with the problem between them, they stand side by side and view the problem as partners.
By using an object, like the problem ball in the illustration, to represent the problem, they are more likely to see the problem as the problem rather than the other person as the problem.
By responding to their conflict in a Heart-to-Heart manner, by seeing each other as a partner in solving a problem, they not only discovered a mutually satisfying solution, they also built trust and strengthened their relationship.
Reflection:
Think of a conflict you have experienced or are experiencing.
- What do you want from this issue that is important to you?
- How do you want to behave during this conflict?
- How can you use curiosity to discover what is important to the other person?
- What have you become aware of that you want to start doing?
- What have you become aware of that you want to stop doing?
All the best to you and yours from our Top 20 team,…Tom, Willow, and Kevin
Kevin Brennan
Director, Top 20 Training
651-373-0297
kevin@top20training.com
