This week we will continue looking at the roadblock of Failure and Mistakes. To start off, go ahead and remind yourself about the numerous times you Failed or Made a Mistake. Was that moment a roadblock for you? Was it a mere stall or did you get stuck for a longer period of time? Did it set you down a different path?
One of the questions we considered last week was: What happens to us in the moment a mistake is made or when we fail and how does what happens in that moment impact our inner life…our thoughts, beliefs, feelings and future decisions?
Let’s dig in to that question with more questions:
- What happens in the moment?
- What happens in the space of that mistake or failure?
- What is that space filled with?
- Did you create enough space for the right response, or did you fill the space with an ineffective response?
As a dad of four, I am continuously challenged by these questions when my kids stumble into the roadblocks of failure and mistake making. I clearly and lovingly see the importance of these moments, but that definitely doesn’t mean I handle the space very well each time. And I surely don’t handle it perfectly in my own inner life when I am the one failing or making a mistake.
When something “BIG” happens with my kids I tend to create a large, safe space for the moment to settle. In the “small” moments (like driving my 11-year-old to a baseball camp and find out he didn’t bring his baseball glove) I tend to shrink the space and fill it with my loud voice and ridiculous facial expressions. The space matters greatly because if we don’t intentionally create the space for the realization of the lesson, the focal point is often the mistake or failure.
Here are two stories to illustrate these ideas:
Story One:
As I arrived home from a long work trip, I noticed that it had snowed heavily. I also blood-boilingly noticed that my sons had not shoveled the sidewalk or driveway. I bounced into the house and loudly alerted anyone in ear shot that I was astonished, perplexed, and infuriated that the sidewalk and driveway weren’t shoveled! I then sarcastically told them that they should continue playing their video games and eating their snacks while I go out and take care of the heavy snow! I talked and hollered the whole time I shoveled and then continued to do the same when I got back in the house and warmed up. In this story, I gave zero space for anyone to have an authentic realization. I filled the space with sarcasm, annoyance, and frustration which created a tense, awful situation.
Story Two:
One day I received a call from the principal at the school my son attends. I was asked to pick him up early because of some behaviors that, let’s say, weren’t conducive to learning. I immediately felt anger simmer up, I noticed my mouth go dry, and I felt my hands tighten on my steering wheel. I finished the conversation and then called my wife to go pick him up because I was on my way to a school to deliver a student presentation. The fact that I couldn’t go pick him up myself was exactly what I needed because 1) it gave me time to collect my thoughts and calm down, and 2) I was about to present in a school where the principal is an experienced, trusted, and always-willing-to-help colleague of mine. I had the chance to speak with her about the situation and she gave me the space and time to get some clarity and perspective (Thanks Bonnie!). Once I got home, I went into my son’s room and he sheepishly looked at me and I could tell he was nervous. I asked him to let me know what he had experienced at school and then I asked a couple of simple questions: What are you going to keep in mind from this experience? What is something helpful that you can walk away with? And then I did what is often difficult for me: I shut my mouth. You see, my habit is to fill the space with explanations and forced lessons. This time, I gave the space to him and let him sit in it until an authentic response and realization came forward.
This week consider what you’re doing with the space in the moment of the mistake or failure. This can be with others or with yourself. Remember, the space is there, but is often filled with ineffective reactions rather than thoughtful responses.
To close this week’s message, I’d like to share a quote that is very helpful for navigating the moment of failure or a mistake:
Yes, you failed or made a mistake, but YOU are NOT the failure or mistake. It’s a moment of failure and a moment where a mistake has been made. Keep that in mind as you navigate the upcoming failures and mistakes!
All the best to you and yours from our Top 20 team,…Tom, Willow, and Kevin
Kevin Brennan
Director, Top 20 Training
651-373-0297
kevin@top20training.com
