Last week we discussed the natural Human Need to be Understood. A natural place to continue that theme is with Listening.
There are absolutely no places, stages of life, or occupations that don’t require listening. If you’re a parent, an educator, or a coach, there are few places that require more listening than being present with children and young adults. Regardless of your role, days are usually filled with pleasantly and not-so-pleasantly hectic, wall-to-wall, and often stress-filled experiences. It is no easy task to give undivided attention to everyone who needs it.
Still, it is our job to listen; it is our job to give attention.
It is our job to hear the voices of those around us, . . . and we need to hear them clearly. If we want to know what’s really going on in people we work with, spend time with, and love, then we need to put ourselves into listening mode.
We sometimes get the notion that having two ears qualifies us as outstanding listeners. Although our listening is often dysfunctional, it may feel normal. Being aware of four levels of listening, we can more effectively communicate with those we surround ourselves with. The following four levels of listening often kick into gear in us when we are on autopilot, and although they are not “bad” by nature, they are truly less than effective.
1. My Life Is On My Mind.
Our lives are pretty engaging,…so much so that we often shift our focus to our own lives rather than focusing on the person we’re speaking to. Thinking about our own life and its demands is normal and necessary. We just don’t want to do that when it takes us away from being present in the moment and interferes with communicating effectively with others.
Have you had any of your life on your mind
while you’ve been reading this Wellness Wednesday?
2. Judgmental.
Sometimes, we put on the robe, take out the gavel, and turn into a judge. Think about times when your mind has wandered into this level. Were you thinking judgmental thoughts? When we are judging, we are not listening. Judgment is a vital part of our lives, especially when we are making decisions while driving a car, caring for our own children, or planning for an event. Judging has a proper place in our day, but just not now when we need to be present in this moment. The formula is simple: listening should precede judging.
Have you made any judgments since you woke up this morning?
3. Distracted.
Falling victim to physical distractions can lead us to another form of ineffective listening. We can all be distracted by noise in the hall, a warm spring day, or a fly buzzing in the room. We may be distracted by various thoughts like, “Did I pay my estimated taxes this quarter?”, “Chantel’s family is on spring break somewhere warm. I should look into flights for my family.”, or “I wonder what’s for dinner tonight?”
Have you had any physical distractions as your day has progressed?
4. Processing.
This level can be a tricky one. When we are processing, we are listening like a tape recorder set on PLAY mode. As the other person is speaking, our poor listening is comprised of rapid-fire thinking, creating solutions or responses for the issue at hand. Processing becomes a problem when we are answering the wrong questions. Sometimes, our stenographer-like word-for-word listening robs us of the essence of the message that is being delivered to us in that moment.
We need to turn the PLAY mode off on our internal tape recorder and push the RECORD button instead. Our listening should be so focused that we are not doing any problem solving or brainstorming during that part of the conversation. We should be simply listening. When the other person has finished speaking, there should be a short pause in the process. That pause is when our thinking should be switched into PLAY mode. Then and only then should we be offering ideas or suggestions to the other person.
Consider the different moments in your daily life
where Processing is likely to occur.
Challenge for today:
- Identify a time when your poor listening had a negative impact for you in a relationship (personal or professional).
- Identify an area in your life where you want to be more aware of your listening levels. Before entering this area next time, remind yourself to just listen.
- Remember, listening is NOT agreeing. You can listen and disagree.
Next week we will share ways to improve our Listening abilities. Until then, keep your ears open and your mind curious!
If you would like to explore these ideas on a deeper, more deliberate level, you can find all of what you need in our book, Rebalanced Thinking, Rebalanced Living: Developing Your Inner Life Through Social-Emotional Learning.
All the best to you and yours from our Top 20 team,…Tom, Willow, and Kevin
Kevin Brennan
Director – Top 20 Training
651-373-0297
kevin@top20training.com
